just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize