i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
