I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
