Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
