All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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