I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize