Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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