Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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