I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
