just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
