one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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