at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How external is "for external use only"?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize