I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
