he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
