I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize