so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
