My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
