I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I need to stop coming to work sober
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
