What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
