How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
