she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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