im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
