you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
