NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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