the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
