Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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