I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
