You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
