I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
