don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
did i walk over a car last night?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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