I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
