he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Please don't give away my fajitas
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