On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
