Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
