And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
