I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
