i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
it glows. i had to have it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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