do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize