Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
