im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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