trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
