new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
