It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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