Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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