I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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