My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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