Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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