it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
