yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
