saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
