I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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