I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
