I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
People in love make me want to vomit
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
