I have demons in me.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
