Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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