next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
