I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
