I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
