the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
